Star of Promise 3: New Windows in My Heart

With the deaths of several beloved family members and the choice of my oldest daughter to move thousands of miles away, my heart has taken quite a beating in the past few years.

Grief has a way of shaking up the protective structures we wisely build around our hearts.

If I’m completely honest, as I’ve mourned, I’ve failed a few times in keeping the safeguard strong around the centre of my being.

Discouragement has snuck in through the gaps. Even worse, despair and bitterness have slipped between the cracks on occasion. I don’t confess this gleefully or with pride. I know how very destructive these attitudes can be to a person’s heart.

Yet though I’ve allowed in worse than I should have, this awful time has reminded me that God can make something beautiful out of anything—even the shaken walls around our hearts.

Psalm 34:18 says, “The Lord is near to the broken-hearted and saves the crushed in spirit” (ESV).

We may be inclined to think this verse is suggesting that God moves nearer as our hearts break.

However, I find it hard to believe that our good and loving Father moves closer to us as we crumple over in suffering yet stands at a distance when the sun is gleaming, and the soft breezes of wellbeing kiss our lives.

In fact, I know this cannot be true, based on Scripture. Jesus himself said, “I am with you ALWAYS, even to the end of the age” (Matthew 28:20, ESV, bold and capitals mine). While he addressed these words to his followers on earth at the time, it is accepted as relevant to all believers.

We can trust that our God and Saviour is near to us all the time, both through our too-short days of life’s brilliance sparking songs and smiles, and also through our long, long nights of aching and tears.

The difference may be that in the times when our hearts are crushed and broken, God’s nearness becomes more visible to us. The cracks and holes that the pain drills into our hearts’ chamber walls become windows to the Lord’s constant presence and comfort.

I remember one cold, gray November day, my emotional pain overwhelmed my spirit once again. With tears and sobs, I set out on a long walk. As I walked and cried, I thought, “Words can’t help me this time.” I felt in such terrible anguish that I couldn’t imagine any words that might be pasted as a soothing salve on my internal turmoil.

As I walked, I remembered a similar experience after the death of my twin years before. I had described it then as being like when a child falls and gashes her knee. All she can do is gape at the bleeding wound and cry, “It hurts. It hurts. It hurts.”

I had felt in such terrible anguish years before, when I had been doubled over with emotional sorrow about my twin’s death. Now, I was going through much the same pain again. It was so bad, all I could do was gasp and cry, “It hurts. It hurts. It hurts.”

Thank God in heaven we are not left alone with our hurt. Thank Him we have not been abandoned to go through our suffering by ourselves. Even when it feels like every other human being has forgotten us and is too busy and distracted with their own lives to care, thank God He is there for us. My gratitude overwhelms my spirit as I think of this truth.

That November, as I kept walking alone on that very long, grey, country road, thoughts of everything in my life that was giving me such anguish kept returning. Fresh tears would spill as I thought of my oldest daughter’s decision to move thousands of miles from home. My sister Patricia had just been buried the day before; my pain had been so intense I’d felt it like an inflammation in my physical body. 

Sob after sob. Tears and more tears. Sorrow upon sorrow.

“What do I do, God?” I cried out. “How can I handle all this pain of saying goodbye yet again? Show me what to do.”

Sometimes words cannot take away our pain. But truth can help us know how to deal with the situation that is causing the pain. Yes, that truth is comprised of words, but they are more than just mere words; they are God-breathed, living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword (Hebrews 4:12).

The Agony of Joseph’s Dad

That day, Joseph popped into my mind. While many of us know the powerful story of the horrible injustice and grief this young man endured before he was finally and amazingly vindicated, for some reason, I thought of his father, Jacob. For years, Jacob lived with the belief that his son had been killed. His anguish and sorrow became my own as I imagined him waking each day to the devastating realization that his precious boy had been wrenched forever from his life. He had said goodbye one morning, never dreaming that his son would not come home that night. How could he have gone on day after day, spooning food into his mouth to sustain his body, pulling on his robes, conversing with his large family, and putting one foot in front of the other as he managed his farm?

When I reread his story, I found that Jacob went through a long time of deep grief. “I will die in mourning for my son,” the New Living Translation quotes him as saying. While his crying may have eased eventually, it appears that the trauma scarred Jacob with deep anxiety about losing his youngest son, Benjamin. It would seem Jacob had been so traumatized by the loss of Joseph that he clutched Benjamin more tightly, almost to the point of letting his whole family starve to death.

Just in time, Jacob was finally able to trust his youngest son to the Lord. And in a miraculous and incredible turn of events, that trust ultimately led to his reunion with Joseph and the salvation of his whole family in Egypt. (You can read the whole story in Genesis 37-50.)

I know in the depths of my soul that I cannot necessarily hope to be reunited with my daughter and others I have lost here on earth, just as Jacob didn’t hoped to be reunited with Joseph. Reunion this side of heaven is not something I can rest on.

But there is a truth in Jacob’s experience that I can clutch. I was reminded of this truth as I read about Jacob finally making his way to Egypt. On the journey, he had an encounter with God in a vision. And what did God say to him? “I will go with you down to Egypt . . .” (Genesis 46:4a).

I wonder why God needed to remind Jacob of this. Maybe Jacob had been so traumatized by his losses that he’d lost sight of the truth. Or, maybe, he already knew the truth, but his trauma had caused him to lose sight of the greatness of this truth, the power of this truth, the awesomeness of this truth. Maybe his feverish mind had twisted his view of what is actually true and lifegiving, just as our own pain and trauma may twist our understanding. We know something is true, but we’re so hurt, it’s like, “Yeah? So?”

So, God showed up to remind him, “Jacob, don’t forget. I will be with you.”

Obviously, this truth had an impact on Jacob. We read that some years later, when he lay dying, he passed on this truth to his son Joseph: “I am about to die, but God will be with you . . .” (Genesis 48:21a, NLT).

The One Who Hates Goodbyes

After remembering Jacob’s story, whenever the pain would sit on my chest and press against my back, I would try to tell myself this truth. As I expected, it did not ease the pain. The sorrow stayed there, strong as always. Deep down, there was a niggle of doubt. It’s nice God is with me, but remembering that He is isn’t helping me right now hurts so very much. So, why is remembering His presence so important?

I was washing dishes when the importance hit me. I had been thinking once again of the people I had lost recently and how very sad I was. People kept disappearing from my life, either through death or choice. And then it came to me. But God doesn’t. He never leaves. God is the one person in our lives who hates goodbyes as much we do. He never ever says goodbye to us. Never. In that moment, this truth finally became real to my crushed spirit.

A Milky Way of Bright Stars of Promise

The story of Jacob and Joseph reminds us of this truth that God hates good-byes. But throughout the dark centuries of Scripture, like bright lamps in a dark night, we see God either making this “no-goodbye” promise or people in the Bible clinging to it again and again.

Just a few generations after Joseph, God makes the same promise to Moses as He is giving him his “mission impossible,” to deliver the Israelites from Egypt. God’s first answer to Moses as he exclaims in great anxiety about his lack of ability is this: “I will be with you” (Exodus 3:12, NLT).

David writes about the no-goodbye promise in Psalm 23:4: “Even when I walk through the dark valley of death, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me” (NLT).

As mentioned earlier, Jesus makes the no-goodbye promise as He is about to leave the earth. Wait a minute. He’s saying goodbye? Yes, He is. But at the same time, He’s not. Through the presence of His Holy Spirit, He stays with each of us for our entire lives (Matthew 28:20).

I remember while writing this piece on God’s presence that I began to “stumble” upon an astonishing number of verses from the Bible reminding me of this no-goodbye promise. I say “stumble” because they appeared when I wasn’t looking for them.

It’s like God was sending me a Milky Way of bright stars of promise, as if He was saying, “You are struggling in your hurt? This is the message I want you to remember. And if I need to send it many times over, I will.”

One showed up on my phone Bible app one morning: “Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord is the one who goes before you. He will be with you; he will neither fail you nor forsake you” (Deuteronomy 31:8, NLT).

This one appeared in my morning devotional: “The Lord your God . . . is always with you. He celebrates and sings because of you, and he will refresh your life with his love” (Zephaniah 3:17 CEV).

And yet another one showed up when I wasn’t looking for it: “I know the Lord is always with me. I will not be shaken for he is right beside me” (Psalm 16:8, NLT).

These are just some of the verses I received.

Besides Scripture, I’ve had the experience of songs with the same message playing at exactly the time I needed the reminder. One evening, driving home, my heart heavy, I heard a new song on the radio. The style was somewhat punk-ish, and I considered shutting it off, but the longer I listened, the more I realized its core message was exactly this one: God is with me right now.

In a sermon, the pastor talked about how the Holy Spirit is described as an advocate. The word advocate comes from a Greek word which includes the term “para.” Para means “to come alongside.” So, through His Holy Spirit, God is always “coming alongside” me. I was so excited and blessed as I listened to yet another reminder that God is with me.

Yet again, I switched on the radio, just in time to hear the broadcaster express a prayer of thanks that God is always, always with us, right by our side. I almost laughed that time. “Okay, God, I think I’m beginning to get the message!”

When is God with us?

These are just some of the times noted in the Bible. I think it’s telling that they are all times when we’re likely to feel most alone, to feel like we’ve been abandoned. But no, God reminds us through the Scriptures that the opposite is true. He is with us:

• Even in the dark valley of death (Psalm 23).

• Even when our spirits are crushed (Psalm 34).

• Even when we’re making a massive change in our lives (Genesis 45).

• Even when the world is ending (Matthew 28).

• Even when the ones we counted on to help us no longer can (Deuteronomy 31).

The One Person God Did Say Good-bye To

As I write all this, I think of the one person who experienced God saying goodbye to him. It was Jesus. On the cross, He cried out, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” (Matthew 27:46). We know Jesus experienced the awfulness of sin’s punishment so we won’t have to. Clearly, part of that punishment would have been God saying goodbye to us. Separation. Abandonment. Aloneness. Isolation. Jesus went through that hell so we won’t have to.

The Truth God Wants Me and All of Us to Remember

My heart is full as I realize how much God wants me to remember the no-goodbye promise at this point in my life. By His Holy Spirit, I truly believe He can and does remind us of certain truths and promises that we need at certain times in our lives. That’s how personalized and individualized His love is for me—and for each one of us.

God is with me now and will always be with me. That is the truth God wants me to remember. Even though my human heart may keep crying, that truth is greater, more powerful, and more awesome than even the promise of reunion with the people I’ve lost in this life.

I know this is of God because in my logical brain, I wouldn’t come up with it. In fact, my reasoning and emotions say the opposite, that God must not be with me because my circumstances are hurting me so much. When I pray, I don’t feel anything. God seems distant and silent.

But it’s this gift of truth—not mere words—that will help heal my broken heart. Saying goodbye may be one of the worst things we have to do on earth. But God answers that pain with Himself. He does not take away the reality of saying goodbye to our loved ones. At least He hasn’t yet, although we have a promise about that too. But while we are on this earth, we have something wonderful to help us through till we reach that heavenly promise: God’s presence and His promise that He will never ever say goodbye to us, not in this life and not in the one to come.

As this truth pours over my aching heart, I am filled with gratitude to realize that it brings with it the gifts of new hope and fresh healing.

My pain has broken my heart, creating new windows through which I have become more aware of God's love and presence than ever before. Thank you, Jesus.

Remembering God's Presence:

1. I have learned several Bible verses that talk about the no-goodbye promise. Then, whenever I feel myself overcome with sadness, I speak the truth to myself. I don’t expect to “erase” the sadness in that moment. I know I will still feel grief. But I layer those feelings with truth. I often find I am strengthened momentarily to cope with the sadness in a healthy way. Again, I am still sad, but not in despair.

2. I love being surprised by reminders of God’s presence. Sometimes, it happens with a song “popping up” on the radio or my playlist. When I realize the gift I’ve received with this reminder, I often find I feel a little more strengthened to keep going.

Some contemporary songs about God’s presence:

“In the Room” by Maverick City Music“The Lord is by My Side” by CityAlight“Not for a Moment” by Vertical Worship

Portions of this article are excerpted from my book, Joyfully Star-mapping Through Life's Dung Piles.

Window photo by Micah Strutzenberger Copyright 2022